


Mary Sue’s ‘On X-Files Day’

by Jennifer-Oksana (JenniferOksana)



Category: The X-Files
Genre: F/M, Humor, Mary Sue, Parody, Satire, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-02
Updated: 2016-02-02
Packaged: 2018-05-17 13:28:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5871409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenniferOksana/pseuds/Jennifer-Oksana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone’s bestest buddy and her day in the land of 1013.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mary Sue’s ‘On X-Files Day’

Mary Sue Smith, guardian of all beloved television characters, stood before her closet on the horns of a dilemma. She didn’t know what to wear today to protect her secret identity.

“I can’t just *tell* them I’m Mary Sue Smith,” Mary Sue said. “I need a clever name and a clever disguise.”

Mary Sue went to her bookshelf. It held twenty classic romance novels, unauthorized guides to all of her protected characters’ shows, and a baby name book. The name book was extremely worn in the “Unusual Names” section. Yesterday, for example, Mary Sue had had to save Captain Kirk from certain death in the Ignolius Sector, and she’d discovered the name Oriana Dawn. Oriana Dawn had saved the day, naturally, and Kirk had been extremely grateful.

Extremely grateful. Mmm, yeah, even if Kirk was a slut and he really only had eyes for Spock. It was one of the fringe benefits of being Mary Sue Smith.

Mary Sue checked her datebook. Today was X-Files day. She had to convince Mulder and Scully that they were hopelessly, completely, totally, and irrevocably Meant to Be. It wasn’t her favorite job because she never got to be the “other” in these stories. No, if Mulder and Scully weren’t sleeping with each other, they weren’t getting any.

“Okay, so who do I have to be today?” Mary Sue asked. She looked. Aw, damn, she had to be a teenager. One of those mysterious ‘cousins’ Mulder and Scully were always sporting that appeared, got one or the other to admit they were in love, get up enough nerve, then mysteriously disappeared so that they could do it.

Mary Sue was really jealous about that. X-Files fanfic writers were Lords of the Smut, and in the few stories she did get Mulder or Scully, yeeow. Good day. So Mary Sue was kind of sulky as she pawed through ‘Beyond Jennifer and Jason’ and finally decided on a mundane name.

Susannah Leanne O’Leary. She was going to be Scully’s cousin this go round. Mary Sue– now Susannah– went to her closet and spun it to the teenager section. Wide-leg jeans, baby tee, platform sneakers, extra earrings, and a long, silky red wig. Fortunately, Mary Sue was ageless, but she really wasn’t a kid any more.

After dressing in her ridiculous modern clothes, Mary Sue went to her laptop and powered up. Several interesting gadgets popped out, fitting around her face and hands. A message flashed across the screen: “Mary Sue Diagnostic Test” then several checklists popped up.

INTELLIGENCE: OFF THE SCALE BEAUTY: PRETTY, BUT NOT OUTSHINING ANYONE YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO. AGE: IMMORTALLY BETWEEN 18-30 SENSE OF HUMOR: JANEANE GAREAFALO COMMON SENSE: INCREDIBLE * * *

FINAL SUMMATION: Mary Sue Smith, ‘Practically Perfect in Every Way’

Mary Sue smiled beatifically. She loved powering up the computer. She cheerfully waited as her computer immediately dialed into the IAMS (the International Association of Mary Sue) server. Mary Sue was for IAMS. There was so little of her and so many television characters that needed help! And some of the other Mary Sues (like Mary Sue Anderson) took care of shows Mary Sue didn’t like, like ‘Dawson’s Creek’ or ‘Millenium’.

After logging in, Mary Sue who kept forgetting she was Susannah now read the assignment and groaned. Mary Sues in the X-Files were usually annoying anyway, but Susannah was going to be a dork and a half. Mary Sue took a deep breath and squared her shoulders.

“Everyone has to do their duty,” Mary Sue said. “Mulder and Scully really do go well together, and if Chris Carter won’t do it, the pigheaded wanker, then I will.”

Her beautiful face looked extraordinarily radiant and heroic as she gallantly took her assignment and prepared to help the world of television for the better. It was, after all, her fate as Mary Sue.

* * * Dana Scully Residence, Magic Time

It had really come as a surprise to Scully that her Aunt Ginny and Uncle Michael O’Leary had been unable to visit along with her cousin Susannah (whom she couldn’t remember, but then again, Scully had dozens of cousins she didn’t remember), but it was all right, really. Susannah was a total gas.

For a nineteen-year-old student visiting before going for a year abroad at the Sorbonne, where she was studying nuclear physics and Eastern philosophy and Scandinavian literature while working for the French government on a secret computer project and modeling for Chanel, she was really very unpretentious. Scully couldn’t put her finger on it, but she wanted to tell this girl everything.

(Susannah/Mary Sue was very glad the Hall of Justice had conferred her the status of Honorary Superhero and given her the ‘Insta-Trust-a-Matic 6000’. It made this *so* much easier.)

“Susannah, you don’t have to wash the dishes. You’re the guest,” Scully protested.

“Oh, Cousin Dana, I don’t mind at all. I like to wash dishes,” Susannah replied. “That was a great dinner, Cousin Dana. You’re great.”

“Thanks,” Scully said with a big sigh. She was thinking about Mulder, which she did at least twice every twenty seconds. Susannah felt rather bad about knowing that. If it weren’t for her duty as a Mary Sue, she’d suggest the woman find someone in a bar and get herself some, but that would break every code of the Mary Sue. (Sigh, she’d written the damn thing back in 1958, when things were different.)

“What’s wrong?” Susannah asked.

“Nothing. I’m fine.”

Susannah finished washing the dishes, which all sparkled with that perfect Mary Sue shine (she’d learned it back from Alice on the Brady Bunch when she’d been guesting as Marcia’s best friend Candy), and plopped down next to Dana Scully on the couch. She could really use some of the wine Scully was drinking, but Susannah was underage, and no Mary Sue could endorse underage–

“You want a glass, Susannah?” Scully asked.

“Sure,” Susannah replied. Screw it. If an action fostered trust, then it was okay. Scully poured some of the red wine (Susannah avoided rolling her eyes– van Blundht had really done a number for the Mary Sues to deal with–) and Susannah gratefully sipped at it. At least it was cheap and strong.

All right, it was time to bring up the Great White Mulder. Susannah set down the wineglass. “So, what’s a babe like you doing home on a Friday night, Dana?”

Scully squirmed. Paydirt. No many how many times that got asked, it made her uncomfortable.

“I’m too old to go running around like a teenager, Susannah,” Scully lied.

“But you’re so pretty and I bet the guys line up around the block for a date with Dana Katherine Scully.” Mary Sue gave herself points for that. Pushing the point while doing the mandatory listing of Scully’s full name– that was a three-point Mary Sue maneuver.

“That’s so sweet, Susannah,” Scully said. “But it’s not true.”

“Only have eyes for one guy?” Susannah asked. Scully immediately sipped at her wine. She wasn’t one of those mushy romantics, but she was so cute when she was trying to evade painful questions. “Like him?”

Oh, wow. It was the best happy Mulder and Scully picture Susannah had ever seen. There was no way it was real. It screamed ‘plot device’.

“That’s just Mulder. My partner. We’re not involved, Susannah.”

Susannah grinned to herself, rose, flipped her long silky red hair, and walked to the photo. She scrutinized it as though she’d never seen Fox Mulder before.

“He’s awfully cute,” Susannah said. “You guys look so sweet together.”

Ugh. Cute and sweet. Five dollars said it would be Dana and Fox at the end of the night, when Susannah was on her way to ‘the movies’ so they could get it on.

“Sweet?” Scully asked, lifting an eyebrow. “Mulder and I?”

“Well, maybe not sweet. But you guys look really good together. I’d boink him.”

“Yeah, me too,” Scully confessed. Score one for the Susannator. “Why don’t we turn on the CD player? I kind of feel like music tonight.”

Susannah nodded and went over to the player. God, did her ‘cousin’ have awful taste in music tonight. Susannah quietly went for the ‘Infinitely Small but Holds Everything’ Superheroine Purse of the Millenium and found her CD collection. Inspiration, inspiration– Madonna’s ‘Like a Prayer’ album. That had some good ones on there.

“Don’t go for second best, baby, put your love to the test, you’ve know you’ve got to make him express how he feels and then you know your love is real.”

Scully looked up. “I didn’t know I had this CD.”

“Yeah. I love Madonna,” Susannah said, grooving along to the music and singing, “Make him express how he feels, and then you know your love is real.”

“This reminds me of med school,” Scully said vaguely. “Don’t go for second best, baby–”

It wasn’t Scully’s fault she was tone-deaf and had a terrible voice, Susannah chanted to herself. “Express what he’s got, baby, ready or not,” she sang, laughing. “I’m such a geek.”

“No, you’re cheering me up.”

“You’ve got to make him express himself hey hey,” Susannah replied. “So, you’re just friends with Mr. GQ?”

“Mr. GQ? Oh, yeah. Although just friends hardly covers it. I’d die for him, and he’d do the same. We’re really close. Except when we’re not.”

Scully’s eyes went distant, and Susannah knew she had her. She climbed back onto the couch.

“Would you like to be closer?” Susannah asked innocently.

“I don’t think we could be,” Scully admitted.

“Would you like things between you to be different, maybe?”

“I’m– well. I don’t know. I mean, I don’t think he thinks that way about me at all. One time, I all but took my clothes off and screamed ‘I want you Mulder’and he went off to chase freakin’ tree lizard men.”

Angst-then-screw fic. Susannah closed her eyes to hide the eye roll. Bad and wrong and evil.

“Well, maybe Mulder’s not always the sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to love,” Susannah said amiably. Thought Susannah: that’s an understatement.

“That’s an understatement,” Scully said. “What would you do, Susannah?”

Susannah loved paint-by-numbers love. It was like hostage negotiations, a process. And she, Mary Sue Smith or Susannah O’Leary or whatever, was reaching resolution.

“I think that I’d be honest. You can’t continue this way forever,” Susannah said confidently. Susannah’s thoughts don’t bear repeating, but they involved Chris Carter, a large stick, and several writing classes. “Tell him how you feel.”

Scully looked surprised, like this was some form of novel idea. “But what if he doesn’t feel the same way?”

“Then life goes on and you can date someone else,” Susannah said. Jeez, this girl needed a life! “Like Skinner.”

“My boss?” Scully asked. “Are you crazy? And how did you know about my boss?”

“You mentioned him over dinner,” Susannah said very fast, cursing herself for that slip of the tongue. “Why don’t you call Mulder now? No time like the present.”

“But you’re here!” Scully protested.

“I forgot, I have a friend here. I’ll go look her up. We’ll go to the movies,” Susannah said. “Come on, Dana. You can’t just pine away over him. Make him express how he feels or kick his punk ass to the curb!”

“Yeah. You’re right, Susannah,” Scully said. Susannah would have said something else comforting but her beeper went off. She looked down and noticed the emergency symbol.

“What is it?”

“I need to use your phone really fast,” Susannah said. “Is that okay? I think it’s my friend Molly.”

“It’s over there.”

Susannah grabbed the phone and casually walked for the bathroom, dialing to the IAMS. “MSS here. This had better be important!” she hissed into the mouthpiece.

“Mary Sue Smith? We have a disaster in progress down on Deep Space Nine. A Bashir/Dax piece has gone all wrong, and unless you hurry, Bashir will end up in a threesome with Quark and Garak.”

“Oh dear God!” Mary Sue said. Accidental forays into slash were always avoided in IAMS. They were always messy and someone always forgot lube or something and the poor character ended up a bundle of wrong. “I’m almost done here. I’ll be over in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.”

“Thanks, Mary Sue. We know we can always count on you.”

“You bet. Later,” Mary Sue said, recovering. “Dana? That was Molly. I need to go see her.”

Scully, who had been considering the way Mulder was always chewing on something and how that could work for her, nodded.

“Here’s the phone. You gonna call Mulder? I would, if I were you,” Susannah said, pushing the item into the redhead’s hand. Scully looked up at her so-called cousin and smiled.

“I think I will,” Scully said. “Have fun, Susannah.”

“You, too, Dana,” Susannah replied. The wicked gleam in Scully’s eyes surprised and pleased her– maybe it wouldn’t be a sap-fest.

“Oh, don’t worry,” Scully said. Susannah didn’t have time to worry. She hurried out of the apartment and caught a cab. Damn those inferior Mary Sues! Oh, well. Mary Sue Smith was doing what she did best– meddling in television characters’ lives for the better. It was her sacred duty. It was who she was.

“Deep Space Nine, and don’t spare the Warp Power,” she told the cab driver.

“Yes, ma’am.”

The cab soared off, and Mulder reached the apartment with a dozen roses and a gleam in his eye. Scully was waiting at the front door in only a trench coat. She wrapped her arms around him and kissed him. Their tongues tangled and teeth clashed.

“Wanna come upstairs or can you wait that long?” Scully asked. Mulder grinned and chased her to the elevator. Mary Sue, informed of her success by radio, grinned.

Damn she was good. Doubtless she’d get a commendation from HQ from this, even if she was being rushed to this next assignment. She hoped she had time for a shower.

 


End file.
